Of Vaginas And Fairness

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I recently saw this ad about a fairness cream for the vagina and it thoroughly disturbed me. To me it seems as if it defies all logic.

See, fairness cream ads try to sell insecurity to women about their own body’s color and also strengthens the idea of the objective gaze of a man.
The idea is to convince you that Men only care about the way you look or in this case the way your body reflects a certain colour (we’re being objective here). The fairness cream ads would like you to believe, no matter who you are – an athlete, an aspiring singer or working for a corporate firm, all that contributes to your success is your fairness. I really like how they keep it subtle that ways. I would like to see an honest ads one day where a girl gets promoted coz she’s fair and the next day the boss asks her for sexual favours and they have wild monkey sex and finish off with a massive orgasm. Too much for TV, is it?

Anyway, these ads probably try to show how an average guy thinks. I am an average guy. I look at girls all day and think about how they would look naked but even for a objectivizing pervert like me, idea of a fairness cream for the vagina is just plain atrocious for the following reasons

1) We all know fairness creams don’t work – like duh! come on. Fair and lovely was launched in 1978 in India. Do you see a white race in the making in India anywhere? If it takes more than 30 years for a fairness cream to work and assuming girls start applying the fairness cream to their vagina in their 20s, Do you seriously think guys are going to be running madly behind your 50-year-old pussy?

2) Assuming that the kind of objectivizing guy that the ads sell us exists, do you think he cares about the hole (vagina, to be specific. We are being objective here) he puts his penis into? You think he’s gonna walk out of the room the minute you strip down to nothing after he sees you have a colored vagina. ok screw diplomacy, it’s not colored that we are scared of. It’s BLACK that we fear.
On a side note, I would like to be with a girl with a colored vagina. the girl with a blue vagina. Wow! So Avatar-ish. I bet James Cameron masturbated to the idea of a blue vagina. There you go! You have an oscar winning guy with a thing for colored vagina.

3) The ad shows a clip art of a girl with a clean-shaven crotch and the cream being applied and percolating down the skin magically. OK so this is something that wont work in India definitely! Have you seen an average Indian Aunty apply fairness cream? the desperation to become fair overnight is very evident in the way they try to rub the cream violently down their skin, circling their hands with a minuscule quantity of the cream to ensure that it reaches every nook and cranny of their face . I think the same procedure on the vagina would count as masturbation. Now we wouldn’t want that, would we? Masturbation is after all a male preoccupation, right?

4) Do Indian men really have the right to demand a fair vagina when we ourselves have a penis so dark that even darkness bows down before it? Remember the old shaktimaan villain Tamraj Kilvish who said “Andhera kaayam rahe”, well yeah, little known fact but he was a cocksucker with a peculiar liking for Indian Cocks and hence the constant insistence on “Andhera Kaayam rahe”
If not for sanity, let’s do it for Kilvish. More power to dark Cocks and dark Pussies!

5) Let this not become a reason for cops in Noida to target women. “Woh wahaan pe fairness cream lagaayegi toh humaare ladke chodenge kya?”

6) And lastly the most important reason that makes me write this – ‘Liberated’ women with fair vaginas will demand beautiful men with a fair penis. Who’s got money for all that shit? How do you buy something like that from a general store? Isn’t the embarrassment faced when buying condoms painful enough?

Let us pledge to not fall for this marketing and advertising trap and love our women irrespective of their color.
Note to Women – Like a true foodie doesn’t care for the cuisine, Your lover, whether he loves you truly or is just a woman aficionado, doesn’t care for the color. He would make love to you irrespective of it. He wants your pussy so bad he would drink that vagina fairness cream if you asked him to. To be honest he’s probably thinking about your best friend while fucking you anyway. So relax, leave the rubbing of your vagina to him.

RA.One – Movie Review

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Its been a year since I did Rajneeti’s PostMortem. I kept getting constant requests from friends and readers to do it more often but the truth has been that ever since last year I made a conscious decision to NOT watch crappy movies. So yeah I haven’t seen Golmaal 3, BodyGaurd, Patiala House, Force, Faltu, Game, Ready, Double Dhamaal, Bheja Fry 2, Singham, Buddha hoga tera baap, or Aarakshan. Last year for me has only been Shaitaan, Girl in yellow boots, Dhobi Ghaat and Pyaar Ka Punchnaama in terms of bollywood. But once a SRK fan, always an SRK fan. So I did it. RA.One – first day show. All alone. Thats right!

Here are some important points that I could jot down before I went to celebrate diwali.

Nothing confuses an Artificial Intelligence powered machine more than another Artificial Intelligence powered machine grabbing its penis!
Believe it or not – it happens. There is like a four second awkward moment when SRK is holding Arjun Rampal’s penis. I wonder who came up with that. I mean picture the discussion room of the movie’s creative team and imagine some smartass blurt out suddenly – “And Then my dear friends, just when no one is expecting this, Shahrukh holds Arjun’s balls for 4 seconds”. Did they all just get up and give this guy a standing ovation? I mean the scene is there in the fucking movie. Surely they hold this guy in high regards!

Game, Artificial Intelligence, Matter, Aliens ?
The makers of the movie had no clue as to what they set out to make. The movie starts on a promising announcement of converting waves to matter. But eventually they get lost midway amongst mindless cheap humour and in the climax you see the Robot start addressing real world and the virtual world as Tumhaari duniya and Humaari duniya.

They dont test products anymore :
So there’s this scene when SRK’s son is trying out the game and he picks it up pretty quickly. He manages to reach the second level and when he is lost for a while he asks the Chief Programmer, “Now what should I do?” and the programmer looks wide eyed and declares in awe, “Is level tak toh humaara koi programmer nahi pahuncha.”
Bhai paanch minute tak clapping ho jaye is baat pe.
It was just the second level.I mean I get that product testing is a sucky job but like it or not, people DO it. Its not like you release a game before play testing the second level of a 3 level game.

Half an hour past the movie you realize that the movie is meant to cater to young kids but then you also hear around 5 Condom jokes in the movie .You have images of SRK’s pierced nipple thrust into your face and then you realize that you are getting old. Is it time already that I start talking to kids as “Humaare zamaane me toh…”? I dont know. The movie made me think so. I have been depressed ever since.

Ra.One has the ability to take any form:
He is a chinese character for the first half, he remains Arjun Rampal for the majority of the second half and also becomes Kareena for a while. I wonder who will be nominated for the Negative role.

Good Writing doesnt mean Good Punch lines:
I got goosebumps when I heard Arjun Rampal say “tum raavan ko har saal isliye jalaate ho kyunki tum jaante ho ki woh kabhi nahi marta” in the trailer. But the dialogue seems so out of place in the movie. He utters them infront of four slum kids who are busy enjoying Raavan Dahan in Azad Maidan. And guess what the kids’ reaction is? They all just get up and go. I mean just like that. Right from under his nose. Its almost as if even the director knew Arjun can’t be taken seriously 😛 

<Geek Joke ahead>
Artificial Intelligence knows when the datatype is STRING and when it is INT 😛
Ra.One scans his second look from a huge billboard which happened to have a topless model who happened to be Arjun Rampal who was modelling for a perfume brand called π/2. And so, Ra.One calls himself Pi by 2 in the second half. That was pretty smart. Imagine Arjun calling himself 1.57142857143… that would have been hilarious 😛

The main catch in the story is You have to kill the Robot when he is wearing his heart.
Getting it? As in when the robot has its heart on, only then you can kill it.
Oho! You dont understand only. Jab robot ka heart uske chest me hota hain tabhi tum use maar sakte ho.
Got it? Not yet?

WE GET IT. WE GET IT you dumbfucks! You dont have to say the same thing 5 times in the goddamn movie!!!

Punjabi women blurting out abuses is funny for a while, then it gets intolerable:
Kareena was fun in Jab we Met. She’s intolerable as the punjabi chick writing a thesis on why they don’t have swear words directed towards men. Basically she’s fretting over why they dont have Fatherchod and Brotherchod! Funny? I agree.

The central plot of the movie is a love story between a Punjabi girl and a South Indian boy – Do I sense Chetan Bhagat crying “Two states ki copy”?
Sorry, It just doesn’t quite feel like being a wannabe star blogger unless you take a dig at Chetan Bhagat 🙂

Ever wondered how the robots in Rajnikanth’s robot and SRK’s Ra.one can do almost anything but they still have that horrible fake metallic robo voice. Its as if when scientists from the field of artificial intelligence, self-assembly and machine learning were working their asses of in their respective fields, scientists from the speech area were humping trees.

While the movie gently brushes up philosophical questions like whether we are ok with the idea of replacing a man by recreating him and storing his thoughts/conscious in the robot, it never gives the idea time to perpetuate the viewer’s thoughts. Because for some crazy reason the director thought it would be more fun to listen to Akon sing.

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Do post your experiences/observation of the movie. Its running in almost 90% screens in India, there’s no way you can miss it 🙂
See you next with probably a review of Don 2. Well, didnt I say, once a SRK fan, always a SRK fan 🙂

A happy realization

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The announcement lady in the speaker declared an hour of delay in the Bangalore flight to the inmates of the airport waiting room in an unapologetic manner. I could not help but draw a mental picture of the person with such an unexpressive and disciplined voice. The lack of rise and fall in her cadence made me picture her with an unsatified husband lying in a bed playing Solitaire Peg, or Brainvita – the brand name under which it is sold commercially in India. I tried to amuse myself for  a while as to whether Brainvita was derived from Bournvita or did the Milk flavour rip off a board game’s title. The Ahmedabad airport was pretty much secluded barring  a few corporate honchos dressed in suits and thronging the only television at the other end of the waiting area. Thankfully I was spared from the horrors of listening to their prolix and mundane discussion of which company to invest in and which not.

A young girl of my age sat a few feet ahead of us sprawling herself on the cushioned chair, stretching her feet as far as her bones would allow.  I noticed that she was wearing a shirt similar to one that I had tried on a week back in a mall and not bought. I tried to think how feasible were the odds of that being the same shirt. For a while I felt myself in a strange kind of a limbo where I felt a connect or a bond with the stranger and yet a bond so latent that It did not allow us to  share a smile at the least. I remembered the shirt so vividly because while I was in the changing room of the store, after I had taken off the shirt, I stood for a while admiring my body in one of the mirrors. I felt proud to see the results of my two months of rigorous gymming manifesting itself as ripples and cuts on my body. I was pulled out of my vanity trip because of a loud thud on the door. Apparently I was taking longer than expected and in a hurry I pulled the shirt hanging on the hooks and heard the cloth rip apart a bit. Though I had liked the shirt but I did not want to buy a torn one so I just got out of the changing room, kept the shirt in one of the shelves and fled the store. My thoughts followed the girl in the shirt in the same changing room, wearing the shirt with a torn collar and admiring her biceps or whatever girls do when they feel like having fun in  a changing room. I felt a small crush developing somewhere inside me. I realized this about me when I was quite young. I tend to get juvenile bursts of love in me when I stare and think about a girl for longer than a minute. Initially I used to ascribe this behaviour to my puberty but after 8 years having passed since puberty hit me, came the realization that maybe I was just plain weird.

I felt my heart beats rise a bit which would have been alright otherwise, if not for my girlfriend who was taking a nap sitting next to me with her head reclining on my shoulders. She had a knack for discovering any alteration in my heart beats and she did sense it this time as well.

“Your heart is being all weird. What is it? Do you feel like kissing me?”
Making your girlfriend understand that the reason for your crazy heartbeats is a torn shirt worn by a unknown girl sitting ahead of you is a tricky task.
“No. Not really. I think this time its more because I am getting impatient from all the waiting.”
“Thats strange. How much more time before the flight arrives?”
I took a passing glance at the stranger girl as I looked up to a clock overhead and said, “Its somewhat now. I think you should go in for the security check.”
“Wait a minute. I feel like snuggling up to you for a while longer. Do you mind?”
“Off course not silly.”, I drew her closer to me as if hugging her sideways.
“I will miss you, you know”, I said.
“Yes, I know”, she said approving my gloomy tone.
“Loser!” , I taunted.
She smiled as she lay in my arms.

The clock above us kept ticking with the three of us playing mute witnesses to the three hands of time. The girl infront of us rose in a jerk as if suddenly waking up from a dream and started arranging her stuff to walk towards the security section. Seeing her alarmed, my girlfriend sat up straight and said, “I think its getting late. I will make a move too” , she started looking for her ticket in her purse. The other girl meanwhile had walked quite a bit and just as she took a turn near us she dropped her tickets and books on the floor. As she bent down to collect her stuff I grew curious to know whether her collar was torn or not. I kept looking at her from my peripheral vision but on not being able to discern the missing links of fiber, I turned my head towards her and kept looking for any signs of a hole. By then she had picked up her stuff. She got up and on seeing me hunched forward and looking concerned, smiled at me. I smiled back and she left for the security check.

“Dude, I am right here. Atleast wait for me to leave the town”, said my girlfriend teasing me.
“Did you notice? Her shirt was not torn!”, I said.
“Oh my God! You sick pervert! What were you looking at?”
“Nothing. I swear. I just meant that ‘soulmate’ is such a bullshit concept”
“What are you talking about”
“I mean that Serendipity was such a stupid movie.”
“What?”

“Nothing Girlfriend! Just that I love you and I am happy to have you”, I said raising my voice out of enthusiasm.
“I have no idea what keeps going on in that head of yours.”, she said as she blushed
“Its ok. You dont have to find that out. Now go. You are getting late.”
And we three parted ways. 

The Road Taken

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This poem was a result of my desire to play around with a classic poem. I chose ‘The Road not taken’ by Robert Frost.

Two roads diverged in a wood
and then and there, i had to make a choice
standing beneath the night’s hood
looking hard to discern the truth
transfixed I stood, entranced by the noise

the noisier path called me forth
asked me to tread on, to join the mirth
this way leads to the merrier north
and let this testify for your growth
for its the first time you’re alone since birth

the quieter path seemed at unrest
it didnt quite care for my presence there
one crisp voice explained it the best
“needs courage my boy, you’ll be broken lest
with turmoils and  little joy in your share”

And today I am telling this with a cry
looking back I can see from whence
Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
I took the one more travelled by
and I am hoping to make a difference.
Someday. Maybe.

Tragedy of My Life

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I got raped when I was 14. Contrary to what people might assume, I am not ashamed of it. It was not my fault. Though I was wearing a tight low-neck red T-shirt and my jeans were a wee bit tight too, what I wear is not who I am and she had no bloody right to think of me as an object of pleasure. So this is just an attempt at regaining my lost honour. I just hope my parents would accept the story for what it is and not get carried away by what people say about me.

I was out in a bar with my friend Deepak. He had just got his belly pierced. We were celebrating the occasion. Both of us got really high. At around 1 in the night we realized that it had got too late, so we went to the parking lot and searched for my car. The parking lot was empty and it took us half an hour to find my car. I had always been a mama’s boy who did whatever my mom asked me to do. And the one thing that she was strictly against is me drinking and driving, so I decided I would not drive. I gave the keys to Deepak and told him to drive. He took the keys in his finger and swung them in circles like he always did. Though He was my best friend, I always secretly envied his cool charms. I stood there in awe of him and saw him open the car in all his glory. He looked like one of those bollywood actors who slept around with a lot of women. He sat inside the car in style and drove the car out of the parking. That is when it occurred to me that I had not gotten inside the car. I stood there clueless for a while, I got down on my knees and prayed to God to give Deepak the wisdom to come back and get me. My cell phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and switched it off. Our parish priest Father Andrew used to say that God doesnt answer those, those who answer their cellphone in the middle of a prayer . I resumed praying and that was when I first saw her. She proclaimed in a loud shrill voice, “Oh boy, I am going to rape you now”

I recognized her as the bartender who served us drinks earlier in the night. Had I known she had such lurid intentions, I would have never asked her to make those drinks. But thinking back I realized that the only other bartender was a guy. So I could not really complain. I ended my prayer with a ‘Thank you’ prayer that my mom had taught me –

Thank you for the world so sweet,
Thank you for the food we eat,
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you God for everything.

I got up on my four legs and tried to run as fast as I could. She sprinted towards me and grabbed me by my hair. I had got tired of all the running and collapsed in her arms. That is when the horror began. The rape was unlike anything that I had seen before, neither too innocent like the rapes in hindi movies nor too violent as the ones shown in porn. She was kind enough to not rip my clothes off. She took them off gently and defiled me.

After the rape was over I was exhausted. I lay there on the ground with absolutely no clothes on. Surprisingly she did not leave. She just lay there next to me. To be frank it got a bit awkward. I did not know what to do next. I mean I could not have just got up, put my clothes on and left. That would have given out the wrong signal. That would have been like saying, “Well, I had a great time.. but I am getting late for home. Bye Rapist. Have a nice day”. It was my first rape and I didnt know how things worked. I guess she was a first timer too because we both just lay there for the next half an hour. Finally she broke the silence and started whistling. And she sucked at it! If you knew me you would know that I am the A.R. Rehman of whistling. I mean I reach such high notes in my whistles that would put Himesh Reshammiya’s nose to shame. Her whistle hurt the musician in me and I started whistling the tune she was whistling. Lying naked in a parking lot, trying to whistle “Aaj Jaane ki zidd na karo” by Farida Khanum, I was unaware of the irony of the situation. We stopped whistling only after 20 minutes when a car came in through the entrance. I was so happy that my prayers had been answered and that Deepak had come to pick me. I was taken aback when I saw my mom and dad get out of the car. I was still relieved because now I could go back to my home and sleep peacefully. I also planned to file an FIR against my rapist who had gotten up by now. I wanted to see how she would deal with the embarrasment. She took my red t-shirt and wrapped it around her head like a scarf and bowed down to touch my parent’s feet. “Paye laagu mummy ji. Paaye laagu daddy ji.”

My dad is an army man and a strict one at that. I spent the next year in a boarding school and to this day, every year, my rapist visits my parents on Karva Chauth.

Dave Chappelle

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“The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching” – Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle is quite easily the funniest stand up comedians of our time. The Comedy Central rates him forty-third in the list of 100 greatest stand-ups of all time. He dabbled in the areas of screen writing, acting and producing shows but he always had his heart for stand up comedy.

He debuted on Television in 2003 with his weekly sketch comedy show on Comedy Central called the Chappelle’s show. It was one of those shows that parodied racial stereotypes, pop culture and politics but Chappelle’s acute observation of society and his ability to point out the hypocricy and racism inherent in the society garnered the show critical and commercial acclaim. The DVD set of the show became the best selling DVD of a television show to date surpassing the sales of the DVD of the first season of The Simpsons.

Chappelle was one of those guys who had the audacity to stand up against the dictums of the Studio guys and he learnt the hard way how Hollywood works. He disliked how the studio would censor his content to dumb down the things that he had to say to the people. He always felt that his fans were wise enough to get what he wanted to say. He would soon figure out how wrong he was.

In June 2004 during a stand-up performance in California, he was constantly interrupted by the audience who kept shouting “I am Rick James, Bitch”, which was his famous catch phrase from one of the sketches that he had done for The Comedy Central. Chappelle snapped out that day on stage and told the audience to understand that the popularity of the show was making it hard for him to do the one thing that he enjoyed the most and that was – doing stand up shows.

“You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you’re not smart enough to get what I’m doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong. You people are stupid.”, a frustrated Chappelle told the audience and left the stage.

He felt guilty for his father’s death because he couldn’t be there with him when he had a stroke. He was busy flying between his home in Africa and Hollywood to attend meetings with Hollywood Producers who liked the pilot of a show he had made. They suggested him to recast the leading lady with someone who was more ‘universally appealing’. Dave understood what they had a problem with was that the leading lady was a black woman and they wanted him to rope in a white actress to replace her. He said he couldn’t make that change and left all that he had at the prime of his career and returned to his house in Africa. Currently he avoids the media, keeping a low profile and making surprise visits at small time comedy clubs.

I admire his sense of humour but more than that – the more I read or see interviews about him, I realize how success could have different definitions for different people. While almost all black comedians, including Chris Tucker and Eddie Murphy have worn a girl’s outfit, Dave fought with the Director of the movie and convinced them that he was more funny than a drag outfit.

His one statement that puts everything in perspective is :

“I would go to work on the show and I felt awful every day, that’s not the way it was. … I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place? I’m going to Africa. The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.”

In case you are interested in exploring his style of humour, follow the given links to his three shows.

Killing them softly : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq0Ce3UqKDs

For what its worth : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhbddux00Eo

Dave Chappelle in San Francisco : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxOIbQsm3F0