Its been a year since I did Rajneeti’s PostMortem. I kept getting constant requests from friends and readers to do it more often but the truth has been that ever since last year I made a conscious decision to NOT watch crappy movies. So yeah I haven’t seen Golmaal 3, BodyGaurd, Patiala House, Force, Faltu, Game, Ready, Double Dhamaal, Bheja Fry 2, Singham, Buddha hoga tera baap, or Aarakshan. Last year for me has only been Shaitaan, Girl in yellow boots, Dhobi Ghaat and Pyaar Ka Punchnaama in terms of bollywood. But once a SRK fan, always an SRK fan. So I did it. RA.One – first day show. All alone. Thats right!
Here are some important points that I could jot down before I went to celebrate diwali.
Nothing confuses an Artificial Intelligence powered machine more than another Artificial Intelligence powered machine grabbing its penis!
Believe it or not – it happens. There is like a four second awkward moment when SRK is holding Arjun Rampal’s penis. I wonder who came up with that. I mean picture the discussion room of the movie’s creative team and imagine some smartass blurt out suddenly – “And Then my dear friends, just when no one is expecting this, Shahrukh holds Arjun’s balls for 4 seconds”. Did they all just get up and give this guy a standing ovation? I mean the scene is there in the fucking movie. Surely they hold this guy in high regards!
Game, Artificial Intelligence, Matter, Aliens ?
The makers of the movie had no clue as to what they set out to make. The movie starts on a promising announcement of converting waves to matter. But eventually they get lost midway amongst mindless cheap humour and in the climax you see the Robot start addressing real world and the virtual world as Tumhaari duniya and Humaari duniya.
They dont test products anymore :
So there’s this scene when SRK’s son is trying out the game and he picks it up pretty quickly. He manages to reach the second level and when he is lost for a while he asks the Chief Programmer, “Now what should I do?” and the programmer looks wide eyed and declares in awe, “Is level tak toh humaara koi programmer nahi pahuncha.”
Bhai paanch minute tak clapping ho jaye is baat pe.
It was just the second level.I mean I get that product testing is a sucky job but like it or not, people DO it. Its not like you release a game before play testing the second level of a 3 level game.
Half an hour past the movie you realize that the movie is meant to cater to young kids but then you also hear around 5 Condom jokes in the movie .You have images of SRK’s pierced nipple thrust into your face and then you realize that you are getting old. Is it time already that I start talking to kids as “Humaare zamaane me toh…”? I dont know. The movie made me think so. I have been depressed ever since.
Ra.One has the ability to take any form:
He is a chinese character for the first half, he remains Arjun Rampal for the majority of the second half and also becomes Kareena for a while. I wonder who will be nominated for the Negative role.
Good Writing doesnt mean Good Punch lines:
I got goosebumps when I heard Arjun Rampal say “tum raavan ko har saal isliye jalaate ho kyunki tum jaante ho ki woh kabhi nahi marta” in the trailer. But the dialogue seems so out of place in the movie. He utters them infront of four slum kids who are busy enjoying Raavan Dahan in Azad Maidan. And guess what the kids’ reaction is? They all just get up and go. I mean just like that. Right from under his nose. Its almost as if even the director knew Arjun can’t be taken seriously 😛
<Geek Joke ahead>
Artificial Intelligence knows when the datatype is STRING and when it is INT 😛
Ra.One scans his second look from a huge billboard which happened to have a topless model who happened to be Arjun Rampal who was modelling for a perfume brand called π/2. And so, Ra.One calls himself Pi by 2 in the second half. That was pretty smart. Imagine Arjun calling himself 1.57142857143… that would have been hilarious 😛
The main catch in the story is You have to kill the Robot when he is wearing his heart.
Getting it? As in when the robot has its heart on, only then you can kill it.
Oho! You dont understand only. Jab robot ka heart uske chest me hota hain tabhi tum use maar sakte ho.
Got it? Not yet?
WE GET IT. WE GET IT you dumbfucks! You dont have to say the same thing 5 times in the goddamn movie!!!
Punjabi women blurting out abuses is funny for a while, then it gets intolerable:
Kareena was fun in Jab we Met. She’s intolerable as the punjabi chick writing a thesis on why they don’t have swear words directed towards men. Basically she’s fretting over why they dont have Fatherchod and Brotherchod! Funny? I agree.
The central plot of the movie is a love story between a Punjabi girl and a South Indian boy – Do I sense Chetan Bhagat crying “Two states ki copy”?
Sorry, It just doesn’t quite feel like being a wannabe star blogger unless you take a dig at Chetan Bhagat 🙂
Ever wondered how the robots in Rajnikanth’s robot and SRK’s Ra.one can do almost anything but they still have that horrible fake metallic robo voice. Its as if when scientists from the field of artificial intelligence, self-assembly and machine learning were working their asses of in their respective fields, scientists from the speech area were humping trees.
While the movie gently brushes up philosophical questions like whether we are ok with the idea of replacing a man by recreating him and storing his thoughts/conscious in the robot, it never gives the idea time to perpetuate the viewer’s thoughts. Because for some crazy reason the director thought it would be more fun to listen to Akon sing.
Do post your experiences/observation of the movie. Its running in almost 90% screens in India, there’s no way you can miss it 🙂
See you next with probably a review of Don 2. Well, didnt I say, once a SRK fan, always a SRK fan 🙂