R.I.P. Laden

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Owing to my busy and hectic sixth semester I haven’t been able to update my blog that frequently and after the sem got over I wanted to take a week’s break before I resumed blogging but something strange happened today and I just had to come online to post this.

I woke up at 6 today to go out for a jog. Yesterday night I was browsing through some John Abraham wallpapers and then realized that the amount of baby fat on my face had long crossed the threshold of ‘cute’. Anyways I jogged past the Gujarat Vidhan Sabha and a Narendra Modi poster and bumped into a terrorist!

Yeah I know it sounds incredible. But its true. Believe me and read further.

He said he wanted me to use my popularity on Facebook to share some notes he had with him and that the world needed to know the truth. He said he fled pakistan the night before and had taken refuge in Gandhinagar because he felt he was safe in the most rapidly developing Indian state.He felt he was safe in Narendra Modi’s state. Dont know what the guy had been smoking or reading. I asked him out of curiosity if he had heard about Godhra and he replied that she wasn’t a virgin anymore.

It was only after I ran back to my hostel and read the notes and some online newspapers that I realized what had happened. Barack Obama had declared that American troops have killed Osama Bin Laden in a firefight. Laden is one person whom I had always wanted to make jokes on but I could never conjure up the courage to do so. Given the stories that he roams around in disguise, I just couldn’t risk being overheard by him saying nasty stuff about him. But I guess all that is in the past now. I am not someone to capitalize on a person’s death to make my blog popular but destiny had bestowed upon me the task of telling the world stuffs that the terrorist felt that people would never come to know about Laden otherwise and needed to know desperately. And also the fact that I feel like the narrators of the conspiracy theory videos and Zeitgeist documentaries while writing this post 😛

The terrorist wasnt much of a good writer. It took me 23 hours to make sense of his 3 page notes. So if you feel that the post isnt coherent enought. Blame the terrorist.

Secret -1

Osama Bin Laden didn’t like being called Osama Bin Laden. He felt it was too formal and didn’t quite capture the ‘loving father‘ side of his personality. He preffered being called O.B. Laden because It had that african nigger rapper feel to it. Incidentally, he wanted to mend his ways and turn to rapping. Seeing Akon and 50 Cent he felt America was used to rappers with criminal records. He approached Obama with the proposal for a rap single and hoped to release it on Thanksgiving. The song was tentatively titled “Our wives” by Obama feat O.B. Laden. Below are the excerpts from the last audio recording session of the song :

Obama : Hey homie.

Osama : wassup niggah.

Obama : wanna see my dick?

Osama : I’d much rather see you’re chick.

Obama : woah dude, easy there.

Osama : haha bitch. I’ve not even started here

Your wife – is hotter than Iraq

My wives – are like straight from Pak

Your wife – has got it going

My wives – are busy shaving

Your wife – is the thing

My wives – dont know what to do with my thing

Your wife – can dance well

My wives – torture journalists in cell

Obama : Haha. Thats what I’m talking about buddy. Keep it going strong

Osama : Dude, enough recording. I guess we need to take a break.

Obama : What time is it?

Osama : its 8:00 am

Obama : When do we resume recording?

Osama : ummm… i dont know, maybe 9:11?

Obama : Fucker! You had to bring it up, didnt you?

Osama : Ooops

Obama : Guys !!! shoot the asshole down

Secret – 2

I’ve always felt he must have been a ladies’ man. I mean he had the looks, the height, the strength and all for it. But I’ve always, for some reasons pictured him as a smooth talker. I mean before he became the Shahrukh Khan of the terrorist world, when he was probably just a publicity seeking, insecure Poonam Pandey, I am sure he would hang out with his buddies at poultry farms, letching at burkha -clad women and make passes at them.

Here are a few pick up lines jotted down by the terrorist. He claims they were highly successful.

  • Is it just me or is that burkha see through?
  • Damn it girl! You’re smoking hot. You rank a spot above my donkey in my ‘todo’ list.
  • Its strange how these blue eyes excite me even after two decades. Like mother-like daughter.
  • Laden : who’s your daddy, babe?
    Chick : Osama Bin Laden.
    Laden : Oh! Raziya beti! How are you? Long time. Haha 😐
  • Take those clothes off and I’m sure I can show you a gravity defying thing.

It was the reaction to this last pick-up line that made him realize how he was too educated for scoring chicks in Arab nations and that he was made for bigger tits things in life. Its what drove him to the educated land of US

Secret – 3

Contrary to popular beleif that Nostradumus predicted the 9/11 attack in the following quatrains of his :

“In the year 1999, in the seventh month,
from the sky will come the great King of Terror,
bringing back to life the great King of the Mongols.
Before and after, Mars to reign by good fortune.”

“Earth-shaking fire from the center of the earth.
will cause the towers around the New City to shake,
Two great rocks for a long time will make war,
And then Arethusa (a ship) will color a new river red.”

The fact remains that this is far from the truth. On the contrary O.B. Laden read Nostradumus while he was dating an American librarian and was inspired by it to plan the Plane crashings.

Stupid americans! Would never accept the fact that these arab guys could read as well!

Secret – 4

O.B. Laden used to watch bollywood movies every night and complain “woh pehle wali baat nahi rahi”

——————————————————————–

I’m sorry if it makes no sense but the terrorist felt that the world needed to know all these stuff about O.B. Laden. If you dont believe me, you can talk to the terrorist in person. He’s staying in hotel Chetna at Gh-5 in Gandhinagar. He asked me to keep this secret but where’s the fun in that 🙂

Rest in Pieces O.B. Laden!

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24 thoughts on “R.I.P. Laden

  1. 9iteCrow

    gud work, loved the rap part the most – ‘ummm… i dont know, maybe 9:11?’. u can even write a full rap tracks and make a video out of it, would be so cool!

  2. Anurag

    Damn hilarious!! insane writing!! now only hope that death of O.B. Laden is not a hoax and he doesn’t come after you!! 😛

  3. @mohit : ha. thanks 🙂
    @pavan : lol. glad you liked it 😛
    @shweta : why would you do that? sick pervert girl!!!
    @adtiya : thanks 🙂
    @pooja : i had more fun writing secret 2 😛 thank you 🙂
    @saumya : bas mazedaar? faad nahi ? 😛 thanks 🙂
    @9itecrow : would try doing that 😛
    @anurag : lets pray that doesnt happen 😛
    @nikhil : one hillarious post after another? are there other posts too like this? share it please 🙂
    @neel : thanks 🙂
    ————————————————————
    @all : why did none of you get the ‘Godhra’ joke? i am so proud of it 😐 😛

  4. payal

    haha!! mast hai
    i liked the “raziya beti” part the most.. it reminded me of saniya n then u cn imagine the fun i had reading it.. :))
    n the rap ws very nice.. 😉

  5. kavish

    masst read 😀 ..thrz alwaz smthing between ur blog & Pandeys (specially Humour section :P) ..sm1 specific u aiming at ??

  6. @nevil : thank you 🙂 welcome to the blog 🙂
    @anurag sharma : thanks for following along 🙂
    @sandeep : lol 😛 thanks 🙂
    @monika : ok. dont stop 🙂
    @pooja : haha.. degi kya is my all time favourite… its such a make or break pick up line 🙂
    @payal : hahaha.. saniya!!! didnt think of that 😛 its funnier now 🙂
    @shaunak :ha glad you liked it 🙂
    @kavin : ya. koshish wahi hain 😛
    @aakash : thanks 🙂
    @kavish : its not intentional at all 🙂 coincidental 🙂
    @ruchita : hehe 😛

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