Saala Suar (Bloody Swine)


11th August,2009
Breaking News : Swine Flu hits Delhi and Pune. Colleges shut down.
My response : Grow up people.Stop panicking over pigs. lol

14th August,2009
Breaking News : Swine Flu hits Reliance College. DA-IICT still continues to impart knowledge to its students.
My response : Holy Hell.We all are gonna die.OH MY GOD!!!

15th August,2009 8:00 A.M.
“Good Morning Denny”, said my room mate Paikra who had been up all night collecting as much trivia as possible about Swine Flu.He was wearing a Mask over his face.He said it was a N95 and I asked him whether it had bluetooth.Apparently he was in no mood for jokes.He had restocked all his Dettol resources.His shelf was now a proud owner of brand new sparkling bottles of antiseptics and napkins.
“Good morning…cough cough”

“Oh my God!!! you are sick”,  He put on his shirt and his gloves for god knows what reasons…They might have been N95 too, i assumed.
“No I am not. Its just a sore throat”, I retorted.
“Oh Is it? That’s how it started for Anuj Sharma,A medical student of Bangalore, before all his organs became dis functional due to Swine Flu”

I suddenly felt an uneasiness in my pancreas.I was sure that they had stopped functioning.
“What do I do now?”

“Go see the doctor, Einstein!!!”, he yelled while he was wearing his N95 shoes.
“Where are you going?”, I asked.
“Library. I need to study”, he replied.
“Library??? there’s more than a month for the insems.Nobody’s gonna be there”, I said
“You think I don’t know that? Why do you think I am going there in the first place”

He did have brains, I thought to myself.

Paikra had instilled a fear in my mind and I couldn’t concentrate on any other thing.I decided to call my best Friend Nitin who studies in an engineering college situated in Pilani,Rajasthan.I told him that how i felt that I might be suffering from Swine Flu and that I suspect that my pancreas aren’t secreting enough juices.

“I am gonna die”, I cried
“Paagal ho gaya hain kya?Get yourself diagnosed by a doctor before jumping to conclusions”, he said
“I am gonna die.I am not going to the doctor. I am scared of needles, you know that.what am i gonna do?I am gonna die”, I argued.
“You don’t have any option I guess.And by the way, In case you die can I date Anamika?”, He asked.
“I am gonna die but I will go for the check up tomorrow and No you cant date Anamika even if i die”, I replied.

Anamika was the girl we both had the hots for but not the guts to ask her out.I wouldn’t let a Swine get him Anamika.

“You aren’t gonna die…”
“cough cough”, I coughed
“Easy dude….cover your mouth while coughing”, He said

“Are you out of your freaking mind”, I exclaimed “Its not gonna transmit over the phone lines”

“You never know dude…Signals,bacteria,frequency,virus…its a crazy world out there”, He explained.I believed him because He studied in an Engineering College situated in Pilani,Rajasthan.
“I am gonna die”, I said again
“Get yourself diagnosed by a doctor or i will date Anamika”, He declared.
Anamika, even after being the girl we had the hots for but not guts to ask her out, was our equivalent of the famous Sholay coin.
“OK.I will go to the doctor”, I said.

I wasn’t gonna go to the civil hospital because the clumsy and gloomy atmosphere there freaked me out and besides Paikra had warned me that there have been cases of healthy people going to civil hospital and getting Swine Flu from there.There was no way i was going to go there.

Instead I decided to go to a private clinic. Dr. Mubarak’s clinic was the kind of place where you would want to be sick in.
I had already started dreaming about me getting swine flu and being admitted there.I was fantasizing about Anamika bringing me flowers…I guess this is what Nitin use to refer to as “Gareeb bachche ke Ajeeb sapnay”

Dr.Mubarak was a pervert,I came to know when I overheard the two compounder’s conversation.He still cherished the moment when a girl had taken him in her hands and declared “ITS A BOY!!!” that was around 30 years ago and that was the closest He had been to any girl.Trust me I inferred this within 3 minutes of eavesdropping.The Doctor had established a reputation for himself.It was then that I understood why all the girls coming after me were called before me to the doctor’s cabin.There were a few dozen girls to go and I thought to myself that this was gonna take a long time…while I was about to slip into my “Anamika” dreams mode, the compounder yelled “Denny George”.There was a silence across the hall followed by a peel of laughter.All the people who had gathered there for their check ups were laughing at the Doctor’s blooper.It is at these rare moments that you get to witness India’s unity in diversity but when the joke’s on you, you wish you were a suicide bomber who could just blow the place and get over with the embarrassment.

The Doctor had mistaken “Denny” to be a girl’s name and was probably already fantasizing about me by now.Now this is scary…Scarier than Swine Flu…My pancreas were breathing a sigh of relief but my heart began pounding heavily.I didn’t come all the way to the clinic to get myself molested by a guy.I could have easily achieved that back in college itself.
I couldn’t go back to college because then Paikra would have informed everybody in and around Gandhinagar and got me quarantined, I couldn’t stay in the room because everybody present in the room was waiting for me to go to the Doctor’s cabin, so i had to enter Dr. Mubarak’s Den.

Dr. Mubarak almost had a cardiac arrest on seeing me.I guess i wasn’t the kind of ‘piece of meat’ he was hoping for.He liked voluptuous girls,i remembered the compounder’s mentioning.The rest of the checkup was a nightmare.He appointed the ugliest nurses,the most painful needles and crudest possible ways of examining for me.Thankfully I wasn’t molested and the check up got over in a while.

The results were negative. i didn’t have Swine Flu.I messaged this to Paikra and decided to call up Nitin to tell him that he wasn’t getting Anamika.

“Hey Nitin, guess what? I am not gonna die.My tests were negative.I dont have swine flu”
“cough cough…I think I am gonna die”, was his reply.

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